cant sleep.

i cant sleep. ive been trying to sleep for the past hour. i dont know if its because my sleeping schedule is all messed up from berkeley or because i slept for 15 hours yesterday. i think i caught up on a lot of sleep. i slept at 3 in the morning the day i got home and woke up at 6pm. i haven't even been able to see the sunlight since i got home.

strangely, home doesnt feel like home anymore. it seems that the tiny room i share a space with back at berkeley feels more homely than this place i am in right now. its just a wierd feeling thats hard to explain, but all in all, i am back to the place i lived in for 4 years. also, when i was back at berkeley, i strangely never missed home. i didnt have a desire to go back, not even for a visit.

back in high school, i always used to fight with my dad. they weren't small fights. some of them were serious. there wasn't a day that went by without having my dad nag at me for something i did. i would say 50% of the times, it was somewhat peaceful and the other 50% of the time, someone would raise a ruckus at home. sometimes my house was just chaos. sometimes i think that i went through hell the last 4 years of high school. it was just a really hard time for me. everytime i fought with my dad, i just wanted to die. as an escape, i constantly thought of suicide. all these thoughts crossed through my mind. should i just jump in the middle of the street and get hit by a car? how many pills do i have to take in order to be in a coma? should i just run away from home and become homeless?

many times, i thought of doing drugs or drinking as a means to anger my parents. i would often tell my dad, why wasn't he just satisfied with the fact that i never went to parties or that i didnt do drugs. he would tell me that was a given. i was shocked when he told me that. a given? i thought dude, i could so do it if i wanted to and that angered me so much, that i really thought of doing it. but at the end i have my morals and every time i considered doing it, God crossed my mind. i was too scared to disappoint Him in this way. i mean i had already done so many times, but i didnt want to leave Him completely shattered. this could be the reason why i didnt want to come back home. my memories of high school are flooded with dark images of my home and family.

i admit that i am a bad daughter. and many times i regretted what i said and what i did, but through all that, God has shown me compassion. and that is why i am still alive and at least a sane person.

nevertheless, needless to say, i love family very much and i had some good memories from high school, but i think that the bad ones just override the good ones.

i wont say that i regret what happened in the past because i believe that everything happens for a reason, but i am sure many things could have been different if i were a little bit more reasonable.

but after all, i am home, and it is nice to be at a place i can rest all i want.