no tengo ganas de escribir

fue el cumple de su. me diverti mucho supongo. nos juntamos todas las de koinonia. osea las de primer anio nada mas. nunk habia visto solo a las de primer anio todas juntas en una piesa. osea no fueron todas, pero enverda casi todas, pero antes de eso, fuimos a comer yo, su, lydia, lafonda y catherine a un restaurante koreano.

en la noche yo, su, jessica, y heidi fuimos a noraebang. la pase bkn igual. no habia ido en arto tiempo asike fue chancho ir.

keria dormir temprano. pero boo. no paso. :(

me da demasiada lata escribir estos dias, asike no voy a escribir mucho por ahora

buenas. :)

blah bleh blah bleh

ill try it out....

sin dolor no hay ganancia

se me olvido ir a un apunto ke tenia con mi profesora de ingles. pero completamente lo arruine. mas ke sentirme mal, me preocupo de lo ke ella pensara sobre mi. ke niña mas maleducada estara pensando ella. no keria dejar una mala primera imprecion de mi. pero las arruine. pero igual sabiendo ke la profe es una de las mas amables ke hay en la u, no creo ke me juzgara tan facilemente. ojala. pero me dio otra oportunidad para verla el viernes. oremos a ke no falte a ese apunto.

empece ayer una dieta supongo ke digamos. pk ultimamente he estado comiendo fuera de control. ayer tb fui al gimnacio. el plan es ir todos los dias o tratar de ir lo mas posible. eso si, hoy, empece a perder fuerzas para motivarme. el plan no es comer cena, pero hoydia comi cena :( y me siento un poco llena. tenia la tentacion eso si de comer pura comida chatarra hace solo 20 min atras y keria dejarlo todo. pero ke dificil tratar de perder peso. hace solo 1 año, tuve la motivacion de perder 15 libras en 1 mes y medio... pero por alguna razon no puedo aca. eske en la u hay muchas tentaciones pk tenemos tanta libertad de hacer lo ke keramos y no tenemos control sobre lo ke hacemos o comemos. es realmente dificil... nose si voy a poder. necesito agallas para continuar....

enverda keria cambiar este semestre. como una nueva yo. con los estudios, con como gasto mi tiempo y ke comidas como. pero cuando aprendere.

no kiero ir hacer ejercisio. estoi cansada. tengo ke levantarme temprano en la mañana pk tengo clase a las 8. no kiero lavar la ropa. me da demasiada lata. solo me gustaria dormir haasta ke amanezca el sol. alguna dia tendre exito en lo ke proponga hacer. lo veo.

so mundane...

every time i get a new song or songs into my ipod i get really excited... i wonder if other people do too. i guess like i am right now :P

i think life is boring, but i think getting excited over little things like new songs or going to work out make life so much more interesting.

why do i say that. i say that because everyday is the same. waking up, going to class, eating, coming back to the room, doing homework, surfing the web. there is not much excitement in that. so i tell myself there must be more than that to my life.

we must go on.

i live to eat. :)
i really like mc mong songs, i just realized a couple of days ago, i like almost all his songs from every album.i rarely like almost all the artists songs. i also found out i had lots of songs in my ipod i did not know i had.
i didnt wake up for my 8 o clock soc class today :(
i need to do laundry
even though my room is small, i like it.
i want to take a decal. dont know which one to take.
i dont want to take an internship with calpirg. :( in what mess have i gotten myself into. freakin san. :P i even gave them my phone number -__-
i dont like my hair right now. i plan on chopping off more than 10 inches of my hair this summer.
i want it to rain. more. more. more.
i need to lose weight. there is a limit. seriously.
i want to take a spanish class
rsf everday. no. more like at least 4 times a week
i want to play volleyball even though i suck at it
i heard my mommy's voice for the first time in more than a week O_O. i will call her often.
i want to see snow
sleeping early is good
i dont like the sun or the heatness
i need to buy my books
retarded korean song: bo peep bo peep.

new semester. lets make it good and worthwhile.

un camino dificil

¿Qué es la vida? Un frenesí.
¿Qué es la vida? Una ilusión,
una sombra, una ficción,
y el mayor bien es pequeño;
que toda la vida es sueño,
y los sueños sueños son.

-Pedro Calderón de la Barca

retreat.

hmmmmm. i went to retreat this weekend with my church. i dont know how to express all the things that i felt about it.

im very tired and sleepy right now.

i think i have homework for tomorrow, but will not do.
im so sleepy.

good night.

bipolar stomach

cuando estamos en momentos donde nos desesperamos. nunk hay calma. al menos asi es para mi. todo se viene al hecho de ke tenemos ke preocuparnos constantemente. pero por rara razon, creo ke ami me pasa mas de lo normal. no se como explicarlo. es algo comlicado lo ke pasa en la mente diminuta ke tengo yo.

--cambiando de tema...

me duele la guata. nose pk . ayer en la noche tb me lo mismo. voy a parar de comer en la noche. creo ke sera buena solucion.

hoy tuve clases hasta las 12 30 de la tarde y comi almuerzo con sara. me kede en la y todo el dia. pero nose como se me fue el tiempo si no hice nada mientras estuve ahi. lo unico ke se es ke me kede hasta las 10 30 de la noche.

a las 8 vi un video de el domingo pasado. era sobre los misioneros ke vinieron de uzbekistan. fue muy conmovedor los mensajes y los testimonios ke dieron. me da lata describir sobre lo ke hablaron y sobre lo ke estan haciendo alla. pero en uno de estos dias lo describire en detalle.

ya estoy durmiendo mucho mas temprano comparando con el semestre anterior. mas encima me cae el sueño mucho mas temprano. como a las 11 o 12 :P

me encanta la lluvia. me gusta el frio. disfrutando del clima. :)

buenas noches. kiero viajar por el mundo.

lazy start. lost.

i bought rainboots yesterday in order to use them when it rained. but i haven't had a chance to use them when needed. after purchasing my rainboots. i didnt go out at all yesterday. today was pure misery.

i woke up to go to my 2 o clock class. weather.com said there was going to be a 30% chance of rain from 2 to 4 o clock, so i told my self...설마 its going to start pouring when im out. so i left my dorm at 1 20 to grab some lunch at gbc. after having paid, i went outside and thats when it suddenly started pouring... :( i didnt have an umbrella and i had flip flops on. so i decided to run to my dorm to change and get umbrella and put on my rainboots. on the way to unit 3, i got drenched in water. adding to the annoying rain, was hail. after reaching my dorm, i changed and put on my rainboots and took the umbrella out. as soon as i got out of my building, everything stopped. DUUUUUUUUUDE. ahhhhhh. so annoyinggggggg. it didnt rain for the rest of the day except for when i was at the y. i have yet to use my rainboots when its actually raining. hopefully tomorrow?

dinner today was at chemily ninja's place. i am touched for their hospitality, but then i again i get touched super very easily. but still i am thankful. emily and ivana made me and lydia some super yummy food. tofu+gogi, potato+chicken, and some vegetable that i dont remember. i hadn't had such a good dinner in a while with so much laughter and fun. but again back to reality.

college writing class. long class. jeez. all my classes this semester are mandatory attendance. its like high school all over again.

i dont even know if i have homework for soc 3ac tomorrow. i feel somewhat screwed for this semester. last monday, when we had lunch at fulton house, emily asked me what came to mind when i thought of a new semester. the first thing that came to mind were finals. i dread finals and midterms. but i cant stop thinking about them. after having gone through the syllabus for all my classes. i just feel screwed already. sadness. i feel as if i am falling into an abyss of fear and confusion. and i dont know when i will be able to hit the bottom to end this.

i pray that at the upcoming retreat. i will be able to find some answers and ease my anxiety.

am i ready?
can i find my way....

sueño. me duele la guata. tengo hambre.

cuando me siento a escribir en este diario mio, lo unico ke tengo en mente es cansancio. se siente tan turbio y todo se ve borroso impreciso e indefinido y fuera de control. enverdad. no tengo muchas ganas de escribir.

solo tengo ke decir ke primer dia de clases fue monotono. lluvio caleta en la mañana. mas encima no tenia botas para la lluvia y encima de eso no lleve mi paragua. me empape. tenia puesto unas sandalias ke uso para bañarme pk sabia ke se me iban a mojar los pies. al terminar mi ultima clase fui a comprarme botas con sara en bancroft clothing store. me kede en la tienda por mas de una hora pk no podia esojer entre unas botas azul marino y unnas botas con lunares coloridos. pero alfinal termine comprandome las botas azul marino.

odio los martes y los jueves pk tengo clase a las 8 de la mañana. talvez me salga de esa clase. nose.

comi almuerzo y vi drama koreanas en la compu por unas 2 horas y me fui a tomar una siesta. despues de la siesta me desperte para ir a comer cena. trate de dijestir lo mas pronto posible para ke pudiera ir al gimnacio para hacer ejercicio. hoydia empiesa la serie de mis workouts. me voy a comprometer.

creo ke ultimamente me acostrumbre mucho al horario de mi casa y por eso me tengo sueño mas temprano. mañana tengo clases a las 2 de la tarde.. y sola tengo una. pero dura 2 horas. tb estaba pensando en tomar una clase de fotografia pero no estoy muy segura pk gastaria 3 horas todos los miercoles y nose si estoy comprometida en hacer eso. de ahi vere. tengo sueño. basta mi parloteo -__-.

hwaitingggggggggggg.

tomorrow begins

im not ready to start a new semester. but afterall, are we ever? i guess we just need to face it and accept it. okkkkk. i did. i have a 8 o clock class tues/thurs. i dont know if i can wake up for it. i need strength! i just read the syllable for soc 3ac and for some reason, just looks complicated. i cant process anything i read. i think i was suppose to do some readings for tomorow, but i just found out because i just read the email. guess i wont know what she will be talking about tomorrow.

anyway. today was a whatever day. highlight was the mandoo i had at fulton house. we made it. i have never made mandoo. today was my first. it was pretty fun i guess. but my back hurts. it was fun . heard some testimonies of cambodia and advertisements. thankyou fulton for good food.

after that. sieun took me, heidi, cindy, sarah, stephanie, jamie and tina to target. i wanted to get rainboots, but to no avail. 0 left. HOW SAD. AND IRRITATING! i need them!! for this week! its going to rain all a week!!!!!!!!!! ahh. ima be in soak city.

jessica came back today. i wont be lonely no more.

good habbit coming through: getting sleepy earlier.... ! good. i need to sleep earlier. im going to sleep right now. i was gonnna watch some stuff on youtube. but im sleepy. i dont care. good night.

de vuelta a la realidad: berkeley.

porfin ha llegado el momento de regresar a la realidad. no lo kiero enfrentar, pero no puedo hacer nada mas. se siente un poco raro eso si este lugar. el martes empiesa la tortura.

me desperte temprano para ir a la iglesia. a la ke no me gusta ir, pk no me siento comoda. de ahi fuimos al range de archery para mi hermano y lo dejamos ahi con mi mama mientras yo, mi papa y mi hermana fuimos a practicar golf en un range por ahi cercano. por la primera vez desde el invierno pasado, lluvio en socal y pucha pk siempre justo cuando me tengo ke ir. pero en verda no tiene mucha diferencia pk aca en berk va a llover toda esta semana. todos los dias. ke horror pk todavia no he comprado botas pa la lluvia. los iba a comprar ayer pero keria esperar a ke me los comprara mi papa. hoy fuimos a target antes de ir al aeropuerto para ver si kedaban botas. desafortunadamente no kedaban mas. lo debi haber comprado ayer.

mi avion se atrazo y poreso tuvimos ke esperar 1 hora mas. deberiamos haber aterrizado a sfo a las 7 55. pero en vez, llegamos a las 10. me dio mucha pena pk annie era la ke me venia a buscar y te apuesto ke no era muy comoda para ella esperar y preocuparse de mi. pero bueeno. ya llegue. eso es lo importante. estoy cansada. tengo ganas de dormir pero heidi kiere ke vaya pa su piesa en el edificio de alfrente. no kiero ir. me voy a dormir no ma .:P

arideverchi.

a day with the little sister

i've never spent a day with my sister until today. its not like i planned it. it just happened that way. i had something totally different planned out for today, but nothing went like anticipated except for one or two things. i tried to wake up early today. but fail. as in early, im referring to as in like 8 or 9 o clock. i woke up at like 12, just because my dad woke me up to tell me i had to stay home with my sister since my dad had to go to work and my mom and brother were at his archery thing. i had to go to golf with my sister. stayed there for about 2 hours. had mcdonalds for lunch. after golf, my sister wanted to go to morning glory. her tutor had given her a 10 dollar gift card to spend for having done all her homework. we must have spent about 1 hour and a half at that place. she really wanted a domo doll, which she already has in a huge version, but it was 30 dollars so i told her that she couldn't buy that. she didnt even have enough money. she settled with a cup? we went home. i dont remember what we did at home, but it wasnt long before we went to target. then we went back home and got all the coins we had at home and went to albertsons to trade it in for cash. with the cash, i took my sister to morning glory again to buy her a small domo doll keychain, since she couldn't have the big one. right next to morning glory is the place i cut my hair at. my mom's friend works there so ever since i got introduced to her my junior year, i go there. i got a quick bang cut and left home. for dinner, my dad took the fambam to eat at my fav korean restaurant. its called kkotaegi. they have really good, delicious, scrumptious dwaegi galbi. its marinated so well. it makes me cry. :) after dinner, i needed to go to target to get shampoo and a sleeve/case for my netbook. my sister tagged along because she wanted to get candy.

i feel my mommy's pain. having been with my sister the whole day makes me exhausted. she wants everything in sight. and if you dont get it for her, she complains, but not as much as before. everytime i look at my sister, i wonder if i was just like her. at 9 years old, my sister still acts like a baby. i dont think i was as extreme as her. im anxious to see her grow up because i dont think i will be able to be around to take care of her in her middle school and in her high school years. i wish i could give her guidance, in hopes that she wont turn the other way. hopefully she wont.

sister bonding right thurr. ;)

going back to berk tomorrow. annie change is nice.
its going to rain in berkeley the whole week.
i need to get rain boots! i saw some today at target! i should have gotten it.
i shall get them tomorrow.

cajofrajolisticexpedalidicious.

de chupa cabra a chupa energia

hoy. osea ayer. [viernes] supuestamente me iba ir a berkeley. pero como todas las otras veces, nada de lo ke planeo sucede como lo espero. en verdad no estaba lista para irme el viernes. si supe desde hace tiempo ke el dia en ke me iba era el viernes, pero sabiendo ke tb me podria ir el domingo me hizo pensar ke podria esperar y kedarme unos 3 dias mas para prepararme. por un lado me alegro de haberme kedado, pero por el otro no.

pro por haberme kedado:
-puedo pasar mas tiempo con mi familia y mis amigos.
-puedo comer de todo.
-tengo auto y puedo manejar cuando kiera.
-tengo tiempo para ir a brea mall y a hanamchain cuyo gusto me da ir.
-tengo servicio de lavanderia gratis.
-puedo cortarme el pelo
-tengo tiempo de comprar champoo.
-consegui mucha musica buena de mi amiga.

cons de kedarme:
-algunas veces me molesta mi hermana y mi hermano.
-no puedo dormir hasta la hora ke se me de la gana. en paz.
-tengo ke practicar golf con mi papa todos los dias.
-sigo comiendo comida rica, cuyo me hace mal pk me hace engordar.
-no voy a tener mucho tiempo para ajustarme a berkeley antes de empesar las clases.

y ya no puedo pensar en mas.

y mas encima no keria ir de vieje en auto por 6 horas con una famlia ke no me siento muy comoda con. asike creo ke avion seria lo mejor.

en fin. mi dia. me desperte temprano. a las 10 pk no se cuantas personas me llamaron. fui a la casa de ron a las 1 creo para tratar de ponerle musica al usb drive. despues me kede en mi casa haciendo nose ke cosa y a las 4 30 sali hacia la casa de angela. de ahi partimos para juntarnos en un restaurante. era yo, paul, angela, melissa, yuri, la hermana de yuri y regina. comimos en un restaurante koreano. muy rico. era toda la carne ke keriamos comer solo por 10.99. en solo una palabra. exquisito. todo. todo todo todo. todooo. pero esta muy lejos. seran unos 20 minutos de mi casa? y me da mucha lata manejar tan lejos.

despues de comer. fui a practicar golf. como siempre con mi papa. al terminar, fui a la casa de ron. denuevo. para poner musica en mi compu. me tarde como 2 horas en hacerlo pk tiene mas de 1500 canciones y tenia ke ponerlos todo el el usb y transferirlos a mi compu. si dio mucha paja pero es todo por el precio de buena musica. regrese a casa por unos 35 minutos sali denuevo. fui para in n out pk ahi estaba sue, ron, david y grace. ahi hablamos y lo ke sea. despues de terminar. fuimos para la casa de sue a buscar sus cosas pk se iba a kedar alojar en la casa de ron. una vez ke llegamos a la casa de ron, jugamos juegos de cartas y nos pintamos la cara. me recordaba tanto de mi juventud en chile. como lo echo de menos. como kisiera ir de vuelta a ese tiempo de pura inocencia y curiosidad. me vine a la casa a las 3 de la maniana y ahora estoi escribiendo esto. no tengo idea pk. tengo. demasiado suenio y estoi agotada.

CHAO PESCAO.

soreness all over

today. for the first time in more than a month. i woke up at 6 in the morning. yes. correct. 6 in the morning. for what you must be thinking. for snowboarding. it might not be a big deal for some, but for me it is because i haven't woken up this early in the morning in a very long time. i needed to wake up at that time in order to get to mt high by like 9, so we could make the most out of the 8 hour pass because i had to get home by 6 in the afternoon. i was really tired. i was sleepy. i almost didnt want to get out of bed and wake up and go at that time, but i couldn't do anything about it, since i was getting a ride from my friend.

today was worthwhile. this was my third time snowboarding and i think i improved lots. the only thing i cant do right now is break going backwards? and sometimes i cant balance. actually its hard, but it is so much fun. im so proud of myself :) behold. today. i finally graduated from the falling-off-the-lift stage. i can finally go on a lift by myself and get off the lift smoothly. yeaboi. no falling. most ive ever snowboarded in one day. im sore. everywhere. since snowboarding added to my soreness from the longboarding fall on tuesday.

came back home at 6 and ate some bomb food made by made my mommy. had a speedy dinner because i had to practice golf at westridge with my dad :/
back home by 8 and had pual and angela for a movie night at my house. they brought 5 movies, but we ended up watching korean dramas on tv and talking about korea.

dang. exhuasted. but despite all that. lovely day.

i have still yet to decide whether to leave to berkeley tomorrow or on sunday. but by now, i pretty much think ima be leaving on sunday. to spend more time with the fambam.

i have an eye infection on my right eye. it hurts.

on a side note. i wanted to talk about the haiti earthquake. i didnt know how bad it was until today. i hadn't even known about it on the day it happened. one of my friends just happened to mention it yesterday and discussed how badly the conditions were. today i watched the news and i realized how much damage the 7.0 quake had done. how sad. i would love to go there and partake in the search for missing victims and help those in need. i thank God hat i didnt have to go through that, but i hope that He will give hope to the country for a speedy recovery.

blessed be Your name and all those around you in need of salvation.

vagando

ke mala onda la ke tengo yo. todos los dias me despierto a las 1 o a las 2 de la tarde. ya no puedo mas pk pronto empieso clases, pero supongo ke no lo voy a poder disfrutar por mas pk me tengo ke despertar temprano en los siguentes dias.

hoydia. como siempre, me desperte a las 2 creo ke era. por ahi. no me acuerdo muy bien lo ke hice por 2 horas, pero se ke me duche y sali para starbucks a ver a ron y a michelle. mientras michelle y ron charlaban, yo estaba viendo slumdog millionaire, pk nunk lo habia visto. no es tan mala la pelicula. ahora se pk se gano 8 oscars. se lo merece. cuando se acabo la bateria de la compu de mi amiga, decidimos ir a su casa para terminar viendo la pelicula, pero primero yo fui a buscar el snowboard de mi amiga a su casa pk maniana vamos a mt high a bordear.

como se me pasan los dias no. ke lata gastar tiempo tan precioso de esta manera.
me tengo ke despertar super temprano asike me tengo ke ir. a temprano, me refiero a las 6 de la maniana. y todavia nose si me voy este viernes o el domingo pk por un lado me kiero kedar por mas tiempo, pk todavia tengo ir a comprar algunas cosas en el mall, y tb me kiero cortar un poco las chaskillas... o sino el pelo entero. y kiero comer mas comida koreana. ahhhhh. esoi mas confusa ke las adlkfja;dslf.

ojala ke para maniana me decida para cuando irme. xxx

buenas noches.

longboarding=hard blow

today, yes. i was suppose to meet with johnny because sen couldnt make it. but none of that happened because i couldn't wake up to my alarm clock or my phone calls. this is bad on so many levels. i felt so bad for johnny because i was suppose to be his ride to rancho for work after hang out. he almost lost his job because of me? but glad he got a ride.

today. was a wasted day. i woke up around 2? and just stayed in bed doing nothing. i should have gone reading at barnes. i havent been to barnes in a really long time even though i live right next to it. kinda. i used to go to barnes often during high school. to study and to do other stuff, but those days are long and gone. like the wind. wooosh.

i went to practice golf at about 7 with my dad. wasnt very enjoyable to say. i came back home and ate dinner.

today, i started looking at craiglist. its super interesting the things you can find on there. like a babysitter. and maybe a potential boyfriend or girlfriend. wierdd. its funny how networking has expanded to such extent to be done at the touch of a button/keyboard. does that make sense?. anyways. i was just looking to see if they had anything i liked. but craiglist seems kinda shady to me. just shady stuff, so i dont know if to trust it or not.

at 11 my friend called me to go out longboarding. she came to my house and parked her car. she rollerbladed. i longboarded. we went around my neighborhood, since its hella safe and there is like almost no cars at night. i started longboarding at berkeley. i would just ride on people's longboards whenever i got the chance and soon enough, i really liked it. i even felt compelled to purchase one. (im not sure about that now) i came back home this winter break and tried snowboarding for the second time. i thought it was gonna be hella hard and thought it would be a pain, but surprisingly i had no difficulty at all. i was pretty good for a second timer i must say. i owe it all to longboarding. snowboarding just came with ease because of previous experience with the longboard. nice how i can fuse it together.

so continuing with my story. tonight i was longboarding down a street. there was a hill going down. i thought. dang i got this. so i boarded down. i couldn't control the speed and suddenly, i was going so fast i just gave up on stopping. after a couple of seconds of some adrenaline rush, i had enough and wanted to stop, so at a super rapid speed, i jump right infront of the board and push it back. im going forwards and fall on my face because my body was going forward too fast and my feet couldn't catch up with the speed my body was going at. dunno if that made any sense. but all in all. good stuff. it was somewhat painful, but i deserve it. im glad i fell. i needed some of that. i got minor scratches on my leg and my arm and some bleeding on my hand. but strangely, this pain makes me feeel super cool. after falling, i feel like i can longboard smoothly and any fear of falling is gone. wierd. ohhhh. a miracle happened. as i fell in the middle of the road, i dropped my phone. after having spotted my phone, a car totals my phone with its massive weight . thats what i thought. but nothing happened to my phone at all. no scratches, but the cover got some damage. but amazing huh. it was just beautiful. you had to be there.

my friend was laughing at my misery. how nice of her. right when i fell, she started mocking me.

leaving to berkeley soon. i have mixed feelings about leaving.
i shall enjoy korean food as much as i can.

num num num.

todos vivmos en un mundo enredado

yo no deberia tener el lujo de poder ser un ser humano. nop. no merezco esto. nop. siempre me compremeto con alguien y despues al ultimo minuto cancelo o se me olvida del compromiso y kedo en ver con otra persona. ke mala persona soy. no merezco vivirrr. me deberia pudrir con la tierra y las hormigas y las demas creaturas askerosas ke kedan con el lodo.

tantas cosas estan ocurriendo dentro de mi cabeza. tan solo de empesar a pensar de tantas coasa, me siento como ke voy a explotar. asike prefierno no pensar en mi problemas. pero se ke algun dia, momento, voy a tener ke admitirlo y confrontarlos. pero yo como soy, siempre dejo todo al ultimo momento y me muero.

hoydia. fui a la tienda de la jiyun. fui a ayudarla. enverda, me gusta ser cajera. lo encuentro muy entrete. talvez pk no lo hago muy amenudo. y poreso le veo la diversion de hacerlo. pero fin en fin, voy a ver a la jiyun. jeje. ke la echo mucho de menos :P algunas veces desearia tener su vida, donde tiene ke trabajar todos los dias en su tienda . no se tiene ke preocupar de ir al colegio, estudios, tareas. no se si del futuro. pero al menos ahora lo unico ke debe pensar es en ir al gague el proximo dia y tener ke kedarse ahi hasta ke se pudra. blehhhh.

nose si irme pa berkeley este viernes o el domingo. tb me deberia decidirme rapido pa ke no tenga ke tar hecha toda boba al ultimo momento. no kiero ke venga mañana. kedemosnos en este momento y disfrutemos para siempre.

kiero vivir la vida como se me antoje. no kiero arrepentirme de nada.
vamo ke se puede.

the common sense of an asian father

today. was a boring day. home all day. i was suppose to go to church, but i am yet to find a church i am comfortable in. my dad and my brother came from his archery tournament today. they were gone for 3 days. i have no idea how he did. did not bother to ask. how mean of me. i will tomorrow.

had a very serious convo with my dad today about golf and college and the future? the convo was more than serious. there was some highs. coming from both of us. my dad basically gave me 2 options. dont make sense to me:

1. i do as he says and play golf.
or-
2. i quit golf and i can do whatever. the catch: he wont pay for anything. not college, housing, food, etc...

out of pure madness it told him that i just wanted to quit golf and go to community college. i also told him i was being serious. and he said, yeah sure why not, i could do whatever i wanted anyways, so i even told him i would go back to chile.

i dont get it. arg. he is controlling my life again. im 19 though. why. he still babys me. he even knows it cuz he told me so. i thought that if i went to college, he would let go of me. but i guess he is not ready yet. maybe he will never be.

i do somewhat understand where he is coming from as a parent and it is his duty to discipline me as much as he can, but still. he needs to take a break.

ive been living in my golf bubble for the last 6 years. ive been longing for the freedom that college awaits me, but even though i go to college, i still feel somewhat trapped sometimes because of golf and my dad.

for the first time in my life since 8th grade, i felt freee in college. its like when you give a baby a candy for the first time. they love it and want more of it. but then when they dont get candy anymore, they long for it and are totally deprived of it. 4 years later, you give the baby all the candy it wants. and it tastes so good they want more of it. i am that baby. but i know that eventually, too much of it, will damage me.

what i want is, time to stop, and give me a year to think about things slowly and enjoy living everysingle moment, not having to worry about all this crap.

time is gold indeed.

para bailar la bamba

se necesita un poco de gracia......

no he escrito por varios dias.. sera pk he salido mucho... y tb me di cuenta de ke me canso muy rapido estos dias.

el viernes, me desperte a las 12. me duche y fui a comprarle el regalo de cumpleaños a chunky. estuve paseando por el mall por mas de 2 horas. bueno tonce no sera pasaendo, pero un agoteo. pero al final le encontre algo. le compre un cinturon y unos pares de guantes. habiamos kedado todas juntarnos en el bowling place en anaheim a las 3 y media, pero no alncaze ir hasta las 5 y media? me senti mal pk no estabamos yo y otras para jugar con ella. apenas cuando llegamos yo y ron al lugar, ya casi habian terminado el ultimo juego, asike estuvimos ahi por 10 minutos y nos fuimos para la casa de chunky.

en la casa de chunky, cenamos y despues de terminar, le cantamos feliz cumpleaños y comimos torta. al seguir eso, cantamos karaoke en la sala. nunk supe ke tenia una makina. si hubiera sabido, no estaria pagando 2o dolares para cantar en el noraebang. desde ahora voy pa su casa.

mientras cantabamos, se vino emily y jessica, pero al rato se fueron pk no se podian a kedar a alojar. como a las 2 nos fuimos a una pieza de chunky a ver una pelicula o algo asi, no me acuerdo muy bien. lo unico ke me acuerdo, es ke me fui a dormir como a las 5 de la mañana.

hoydia, nos despertamos y almorzamos y nos fuimos. vjj le mintio a sus papas. osea, la mentira ms grande del mundo. les dijo ke iba ir a china por una semana con su mama, cuando en verda se va a un viaje con mike a san francisco. tiene dem suerte. estoi segura ke unos de estos dias la van a pillar. pero algunas veces creo ke tiene suerte, de poder ser tan libre asi como es. ami tb me gustaria ser libre como ella.

el viernes pelie con mi papa. denuevo. y de esta vez ke sera verda ? como siempre. fue sobre golf. ya nose ke hacer. no le pude decir ke no estuve jugando por tantos meses, no me atrevi. pero le dije ke ya no keria jugar mas en la u. y me dijo el ke no podia. me dijo ke no aceptaba esa decision mia. yo me kede entumecida. no entendia pk tenia el el poder de decidir lo ke tengo ke hacer con mi vida. lo ke me habia dicho antes era ke despues cuando entrara a la u, yo podia hacer lo ke kisiera con mi vida. pero ahora es lo contrario. esta yendo contra su palabra. y lo mas absurdo ke me dice es ke si sigo sus ordenes, dice ke puedo hacer lo ke kiera,pero ke conste tengo ke pagar yo por todo. si, por TODO. la u, nose si se refiere tb por mi vivienda, pero con el peso de la u, yo se ke no podria. me kiero pudrir. alguien podra saber como me siento ahora? lo dudo. no tengo la menor idea de ke hacer en este momento.

ya me kiero ir a la u, pero al mismo tiempo me kiero kedar en la casa. la unica razon por la ke me kiero ir tan temprano es pk ya no soporto a mi papa. pero por muchas razones mas me kiero kedar en la casa, pk cuando vaya de vuelta a berkeley, tengo ke tomar decisiones muy importantes y no kiero confrontarlas. PK NADIE ME CAPTA. DE DONDE CONSIGO AYUDA.

mañana viene mi papa de vuelta del torneo con mi hermano. vamos a pelear denuevo. vamos a gritar. talvez llore. talvez mas.

cuando tendre yo mi amor y paz.

ellow governor

yesterday, my friends came over to my house at like 11 cuz we were suppose to go visit my high school. i didnt wake up to my cell phone, so they just came to my house. went to sunny hills for the first time since i graduated. didnt feel all that cool. it was whatevs. i only visited one teacher. mr.marvin. my favorite spanish teacher. i basically liked him because he was the chillest of all teachers. he never marked me for being late or absent. and i didnt really care for the rest of the teachers there. i left shortly after because i had an eye check up.

i was home for a couple of hours until 5. i went to pick up elen and chancho. we went to chancho's house to play with his dog and see him play drums. i want to learn how to play drums sooo badly. but at berkeley, i highly doubt there is time. anyways, we went to eat dinner at guppy's. i thought guuppy's wasn't that good until yesterday because everytime i went there i only had bingsoo, and their bingsoo is blehh. but this time, i acutaly tried their food. hmmmmmmmmmmmm. yummy delish food. i will go again forsure. after guppys, we went to berrycool and had froyo. i dont like saying that. sounds wierd. i dropped them off at their houses.

after dropping them off, i headed to albertsons where i went to meet angela and paul. we rented paranormal activity. i really wanted to watch it back at berk, but never found the time to. jessica came to my house for a bit and just left. shady. whatever. i must say paranormal activity wasnt that good and it wasnt scary at all. it was puzzling and somewhat boring. i was falling asleep. some parts were sketchy. i dont know, but overall i didnt like it. after finishing the movie, we just talked for a long time. OH YEA. paul pak lost like 25 lbs. he looks hella different. wow. he was a wow. danggggg. O_O . i should too.

today, i was suppose to go to disneyland with mulan, ashton, connie, elisa, and joy, but i couldn't because my mom went to LA and my wallet was in her car. so i had no money. :( , so i didnt do anything at home today. gave vjj a visit. we watched my girl for a bit. good drama. went back home and then off to the golf range. practiced came back home and watched the last episode of my girl on tv. i cried. its funny because i always cry the first time i watch a drama or a movie, but never the second time.

i went to return the movie, and since i was already there i decided to rent another movie. i rented angus, thongs, and perfect snogging. my friend recommended me to watch it. i dont know what to say about the movie. tomorow is chunky's bday.
another restless day.

break is over in less than 2 weeks and then its back to miserableness.

la nieve

ayer era el cumpleaños de vjj. subimos a las montañas. en la mañana, fui a la casa de ron, pk todos se iban a juntar. me vino a buscar ella y a su casa fuimos para dejar todo listo para ke cuando vinieran fany y mike, todo estaria preparado para ponerlo en el auto. en el camino hacia la cabañana, paramos en del taco a comer un mini almuerzo. al llegar a la cabañana, sacamos lo ke estaba en el auto y lo pusimos en la piesa. despues de haber descansado un poco, preparamos el almuerzo. comimos carne y estuvo delish. al terminar el almuerzo, nos cambiamos a nuestro trajes de nieve y salimpos para mt. high. yo eskie, por las primeras 2 horas y despues cambie con chunky y por el resto del tiempo snowbordie. era la segunda vez ke habia ido snowboarding y me di cuenta ke habia mejorado mucho mas. ahora kiero subir denuevo. buee.. despues de mt high, fuimos devuelta a la cabañana y vjj y mike nos tenian preparado 라면. no sabia antes, pero comer 라면 justo despues de snowboard, es lo mejor. despues, le cantamos feliz cumpleaños a vjj. recien cumplio los 20. ke vagaaa. bueno despues al rato, nos fuimos a dormir. pero ke dificil fue dormir en esa piesa con las 2 parejas. casi yo y ron nos morimos.

tengo ke decir ke la pase bien ese dia. aparte de lo ke paso en la noche.

hoy volvimos de la montañas y fuimos a comer en diamond bar a un restuarante llamado banana bay, pero yo no comi pk no me gusta mucho la comida, thai? creo ke eso,, no toi segura si es thai. despues fui a casa y puro dormi y descanse xD

fue un dia tranki.

muh shi suh.

today. i went to church. i really want to change churches. i dislike going to young nak. i really do. i want to be able to come back to socal and attend a church i am comfortable going to. but i dont know if my dad will let me.

after church, came home and took a nap for 3 hours. my friends called me up to go watch avatar, but i turned it down, to sleep ;)

i woke up and did some computer, ate i guess. then went to visit my friend at work. went to hanam chain and bought some cha dol bae gi for the mt. trip tomorrow. came back watched some kdramas with the parents on tv and did nothing more.

im going to snowboard tomorow. dang. there is going to be serious damage done.

i found out that mulan, ashton kutcher, joy, and connie are coming down from norcal on wednesday :) disneyland on thursday. yay. i guess a bunch of girls are gathering and playing on that day.

i dont want to go back to berk anymore. before, i did. but now, everything feels too comfortable and familiar and i feel like ive come back to my normal life, away from all the craziness at berkeley.

let time stop right here.

noraebang

hoydia, fui a noraebang con mis amigas :) no me he divertido tanto como hoy. la pase demasiado bien. cantamos por 2 horas y media, hoydia era happy hour, tonces desde las 3 hasta ls 7 pagamos $20 dolares.

despues nos topamos con cathy woo.

en la noche, en vez de ir a comer afuera, decidimos comer en la casa de vjj. y hay jugamos en su piesa por un rato.

en la noche fuimos a comprar el pack para mountain high.

~~~

:)

ok, last post was too sad, so i'll make up for that.

it wasn't that bad of a year. i had my high's and low's, but i enjoyed it. got to experience many things and met many wonderful people.

i am blessed and do not deserve this.

this makes my day:



yay. i got to ride my uncle's new porsche.

new years

jeez. everytime i write a post, it has to be hella emo. i was hoping that today's could be more encouraging and exciting, but nope. sorry to those who read my blog, but this post is going to be sad to read through as i am not going through the best of times. i actually wish no one read this post, but what can i do, its open to the public so whatevs. at least enjoy i guess. i dont know what to say anymore.

everytime i'm with family, there is not one time where there is peace and joy for an extended amount of time. could i have have found means to avert the calamity at home? maybe not.

2009, what could i say about this year. there is nothing special about it, except for the fact that i started college and hoped to open a new chapter to my life. this christmas was spent at the airport and plane. christmas eve was dull. there was a somber feel surrounding the house. i thought new years was going to be better, but i was wrong. just because i was in new york/new jersey, with my extended family, i thought, what could possibly ruin this moment. but i was wrong. chaos ensued when tension between my mom and aunt was building up on new year's eve. today, finally that tension no longer crept, as it cracked. i've been up here in my aunt's room for the past 2 hours hiding you could say, from all the hostility downstairs. adding to the bellicose war in between my mom and my aunt is my grandma, who is yelling for them to stop. this may not be a big deal to others, but to me it is. because holidays are about family and warmth, but i somewhat get the opposite feel.

i think this is the punishment i get for the horrible sins i have committed this past year. other people shouldn't be punished with me and go through the same thing. God please don't do that. let me take all my burdens to myself. Lord i have terribly wronged you and i am sorry. but even though i say sorry and repent for my sins, i know i'll go back to my own ways again. Lord please cleanse me in order to start anew.

this year was no easy ride, on the contrary, it was full of hardships and difficult decision makings. aside from my own problems and my mom's problems, my dad is also going through his own hardships. I feel ashamed right now because i really need your guidance Lord and i feel as if i m just leaning on you when im going through hard times. in Proverbs 1 verses 28-31, pretty much sums up that people only seek God, when they are in need of something. i feel as if i were one of those people. i know i need him all the time, everywhere, but i have yet to let go of myself, so i can give myself wholly to Him.

"but those who listen to me will live in safety. They will not worry, They won't be afraid of getting hurt."
proverbs 1:33

what a way to start my year.
anyways. 해피 뉴 이어.