new years

jeez. everytime i write a post, it has to be hella emo. i was hoping that today's could be more encouraging and exciting, but nope. sorry to those who read my blog, but this post is going to be sad to read through as i am not going through the best of times. i actually wish no one read this post, but what can i do, its open to the public so whatevs. at least enjoy i guess. i dont know what to say anymore.

everytime i'm with family, there is not one time where there is peace and joy for an extended amount of time. could i have have found means to avert the calamity at home? maybe not.

2009, what could i say about this year. there is nothing special about it, except for the fact that i started college and hoped to open a new chapter to my life. this christmas was spent at the airport and plane. christmas eve was dull. there was a somber feel surrounding the house. i thought new years was going to be better, but i was wrong. just because i was in new york/new jersey, with my extended family, i thought, what could possibly ruin this moment. but i was wrong. chaos ensued when tension between my mom and aunt was building up on new year's eve. today, finally that tension no longer crept, as it cracked. i've been up here in my aunt's room for the past 2 hours hiding you could say, from all the hostility downstairs. adding to the bellicose war in between my mom and my aunt is my grandma, who is yelling for them to stop. this may not be a big deal to others, but to me it is. because holidays are about family and warmth, but i somewhat get the opposite feel.

i think this is the punishment i get for the horrible sins i have committed this past year. other people shouldn't be punished with me and go through the same thing. God please don't do that. let me take all my burdens to myself. Lord i have terribly wronged you and i am sorry. but even though i say sorry and repent for my sins, i know i'll go back to my own ways again. Lord please cleanse me in order to start anew.

this year was no easy ride, on the contrary, it was full of hardships and difficult decision makings. aside from my own problems and my mom's problems, my dad is also going through his own hardships. I feel ashamed right now because i really need your guidance Lord and i feel as if i m just leaning on you when im going through hard times. in Proverbs 1 verses 28-31, pretty much sums up that people only seek God, when they are in need of something. i feel as if i were one of those people. i know i need him all the time, everywhere, but i have yet to let go of myself, so i can give myself wholly to Him.

"but those who listen to me will live in safety. They will not worry, They won't be afraid of getting hurt."
proverbs 1:33

what a way to start my year.
anyways. 해피 뉴 이어.